United States of Money

(image:Money Laundering also Money alongside MJ)

Today i just came back home with the most frustrating of all emotions-well, Frustration. I was so impoverished as to not sit back for another drink with friends. This is apt timing for me to write about the most mulled over topic of all time since the inception of mother Earth or let's just say since the U.S of A ! MONEY !!

The flourishing era of money can be dated back to long long time ago before this long long time ago. On earth emerged a sub-species of Homo sapiens called Homo greedus. This species soon collected in hordes and formed clubs called 'INCorporations' or INCs. These INCs started foraging lands and reaping money in 'rich' soils. Contrary to the belief, money can be grown. It was grown in America during the 1940s till 2002 but some guy called Mr. Bush soiled the rich soil there. Also Japan and China have proven that money can be reaped on their soil without doing much.

Believers in money are deeply religious — they serve their money-god with all of their effort and strength, and often sacrifice the majority of their life as an offering to gain its approval. They believe that this will bring them pleasure and happiness in the afterlife, and more attractive to the opposite sex, or whatever sex it is they want to be attractive to. Their faith is absolute, and they believe that there is nothing money can't do.

Non-believers in money are generally hippies. They are foolish enough not to understand that their clinginess to their supposed 'flower power' can be achieved only through money.

Being moneyless can kill you. Suppose i have lot of money but you don't. You will cry and i will point at you and laugh. You would then go to a nearby cliff to jump off. Thus you will die.

Money was originally a form a food. Money is eaten in restaurants. Its yummier than food. Although, it is very nutritious it is not tasty. economists have estimated that by next year the US will be using Broccoli as currency owing to the recent recession.

Some currency types are Almighty Dollar, Russian BOOBle, Chinese Youang and Japanese Yin, Italian Breadstick, French kiss.

WHAT MONEY CAN BUY !!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

• A planet. Also Moon.
• A Wife probably.
• Love ( *grimace* at the Beatles )
• IPod
• The World Bank ?
• Not too sure about Paris Hilton.
• Of course a lot of happiness.
• Guns.
• Big Guns.
• Really Big Guns.
• Really Really Big guns.

WHAT MONEY CAN'T BUY !?!?!?!?!

• A country.
• Humor.
• Facebook.
• Scarlett Johansson
• Internet.
• Dinosaur.
• Poverty.
• Everlasting acid trip with Alice in her Wonderland.
• 50 Cent.

"I Don' Like Americans, but I Like American Money " - Alfred Hitchcock's TOPAZ

(image:Currency Proposed by George Lucas when he became rich)

The O-Scare Awards

(The Oscar Awards before(1888) and after(2009))

So much hulla-bullo about The Oscars in divine abruption. And i know how everyone is wondering about it? Not the Oscars but the hulla-bullo. 

Alrighty, ill steer ya'll(American for 'you all') through the evolution of this subject.

Know all ya unbelievers that in the medieval celestial space in a time before the occurrence of time(1623 A.D) lived a man by the name of Oscar.He was a knight and rode his stallion by the name of Academy. This of course was the land of the queen-England [whose greatest contributions to the language of english were bollocks and shite]. The Oscar-Academy duo had become very popular by winning all equestrian events between 1623-1629.

But in 1888 an Irish by the name of Oscar Wilde (who was named Wilde because of his love for wild horses) created The Oscar Academy Awards for a binge-drinking contest in Ireland.

How this culture came to America is a matter of great huggermugger. The occult sciences dealing with the studies of THE OSCAR ACADEMY AWARDS is called Oscarology.

Slowly and slowly the study of this logy was championed by the Americans. Some notable scholars include Whoopi Goldberg, Billy Crystal, Steven Spielberg &cetera. 

Since 1929,it was decided to say no to 'mass drinking' and dedicate awards to movie making and thus began the great American custom of 'Stereotyping'.

Suddenly,

1. All American Rich became anorexic. Others became obese.
   
2. Italians became MAFIA.
   
3. British were to have only one sense of humor,the Monty Python kind. 
   
4. Germans were to be anti-semitic.
5. Frenchmen don't work, maybe a 30-hour workweek or hire a few Algerians and Moroccans to do the work. Also Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys.
   
6. Greece became the place where Men dance with other men, and break plates.
7. China seemed to have Contributed A LOT to the world-most notably, SARS.  AND Finally
8. INDIA was a land of the slums, hairy\smelly people. The type you can't sit beside on a 12 hour flight.

During the Cold War, the Red Carpet was conceptualized to condescend the Communists because communist flag color was red. Then the statuette was designed keeping in mind the history behind the OSCAR-ACADEMY equestrian duo. (see image-knight with dagger) Presenters in this ceremony crack subtle jokes.(Sarah Jessica Parker:Make-up artists are responsible for making us look good. Daniel Craig:Look at us. The Oscar audience:HAHAHAHA)

Based on the 8 stereotypes mentioned above, following awards have been given in the 81 year old history.

1. Paris Hilton for her industrious work in an erotica.(Anorexic American)
2. Some Corleone guy for being Godfather.(Italian\Sicilian\Corsican)
3. Winston Churchill for WWII.(Brit)
4. Adolf Hitler for Valkyrie.(Jew hating Germ)
5. Steve Martin for Pink Panther I and II.(Foolish French Policeman)
6. Brad Pitt for being Achilles in Troy which is not in Greece and neither is Pitt gay.
7. Jackie Chan for voicing the Monkey in Kung-fu Panda(Chinese)
8. Hmmmmmm.... Somedog is Millionaire.(Indian movie at Oscars,yes an Indian movie at an Oscar,pinch yourself to not feel surreal)
   

Who are these "judges"? Despite their secrecy and nondisclosure of details, they are actually normal guys sitting in a room together. They turn on the old big screen TV, get out the chips and beer, then sit and watch movie marathons together for days. It's really not that complex. At the end of the day, judges will discuss what they have seen in conversation, stating "yeah that was ok" or "I kind of liked that one, I guess." This leads to movies being nominated not for their inherent quality, but because nothing else was really worth watching that day.

"Plagiarists" - Oscar Wilde on Oscars

"You Plaigiarist bollock, ill pile you with shite" - Sir Oscar on Oscar Wilde.

The History of Reading

When i speak of Books ,what comes to my mind ? EATING ! No,READING ! But these two verbs can be often confused, just the same way i confused them during the nomenclature of my blog. So while i still eat and hog, you may read. You are Reading now. This paragraph. Congratulations! You are a master of this skill.

 

Collocating with skill, I'll say Reading is an ART form. It was mastered by Morse (i guess he is a person) in the form of Morse Codes during the Jurassic Age to confuse Dinosaurs since they were a superior living form to Homo sapiens. The Dinosaurs read these codes on cave walls and got baffled and subsequently started eating Homos (also called humans,thus inventing heterosexual sex) and went extinct since they couldn't digest those hairy smelly humans. It was proved a lot later that some meteorite struck the Earth and wiped out Dinosaurs which is a conspiracy theory.

(see image=two American Gals {probably Marilyn Monroe and her cheap replica} Reading Morse Codes also  MORSE CODE FOR Reading -> --/-*/-/--*-*//-/-**//*-*-//*-)

There are certain conditions under which you can read :

• Light - Provided by the sun or moon in olden times so people fornicated more than read. Then Edison screwed up this world and reading became mandatory business.
• Money - Its not necessary to have money to read since you can always steal books. But you always run the risk of carrying others' views and bringing the world closer to the brink of apocalypse.

Reading doesn't lead to anything of purport. Reading helps you attain a lot of knowledge, which empowers you. Then this thing called Power corrupts and wise men say corruption is a crime. The local police station, Osama and George Bush will tell you crime doesn't pay. And the aforementioned avowals must have conveyed to you that Reading will indeed make you poor.(are you still thinking what avowals mean ? )

Some side affects of reading may be paranoia, dysentery, nonconformism, superiority complex and not wanting to earn money. 

The success rate of reading is 99% i.e. in every 100 people who try to read 99 succeed. In the 1% come blind people, Pakistanis, Taliban. Some people read over and over again but can't speak correctly what they read ( bingo George Bush in USA, Brad Pitt in Snatch and King Leonidas in 300 ).

" Of course I know how to reed " - George Bush in 'Children Must Reed' campagne

Books and Steve 'Job's

I was shodded when my very imbecile friends were imbrogliod by my use of queen's english ,which hardly had anything to do with the queen. And now i feel im one up on them so i invented these new words (see 'imbrogliod' and 'shodded') cos i strongly feel there is a little bit of James Joyce in all of us.

And what else could James Joyce remind me of-yes geniuses, BOOKS. So i thought about a book review which again is too cliched , so i thought why not write a book review on BOOKS.....

Books are a collection of pages, made of paper, which have words on them. They can be confused with sandwiches as both are made of layers except that books are inedible. However they became mortally obsolete towards the end of the 20th century with the invasion of television and computers, however some still write them for unknown reasons.

With the exodus of books from peoples lives, they were introduced to students through grim institutions called schools where they were (and still are) used as a source of torture. Then they were dispatched as Dictionaries to eminent personalities like George W. Bush, Paris Hilton and many others around the world. Other uses of books are as caps for your head when it rains or burn them to heat up yourselves in cold days or cook bbqs.

The natural habitat for most books are some cagey reticent establishments called 'Library'.(see Picture) No sane person goes to this place unless dragged by his girlfriend. Some are said to have lost their sanity while being in libraries and have thus killed themselves or others. Some have taken ill care of themselves and these Homo sapiens came under the sub-species known as  'Scientists'. This class has thus deferred itself of a lot of money and sex.

The grim demise of books will soon herald because of books itself. I'll explain how (so do not not undetatch yourself yet).

Some wise man wrote in one of his books " Don't Judge a Book By its Cover ". Had this been followed, there would not have been such an early departure for them. But then in the year 1997 AD some author wrote the book "Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone" (see image) and didn't stop at one. He\She kept on ruining the already rotting class of books for the next 10 yrs. Her revolution was caught on with renewed vigor by a cartel called GOOGLE which started digitizing books. Thus books will soon be annihilated and the various uses that books came to mankind will no longer exist.

"It doesn’t matter how good or bad the product is, the fact is that people don’t read anymore,” - Steve Jobs on books.

                                            

Bauwaji'ism'

"With the abrupt end of the previous blog-post comes a more sensible continuing link to the next ."

This quote was by the very humble great Sharad Subramaniam. Never heard of this personality ? Just look for this really awesome one in About Me.

Speaking of more serious issues, which are none, ill waddle into the essence of this craquelure blog-post. What scotch is to Scotland,vodka to Russia,beer to Germany is the inoffensive Tea to India. And to me tea means what the Bible to the padre,the moon to an astronaut,the valentines day to a lover does.(note the sly use of metaphor in this excerpt like paradoxes in the previous one)

Sitting at a nondescript tea stall in my hometown,inhaling more passive smoke than active,my attention is suddenly turned to a very blasphemous word-sodomy. Spoken probably very aptly by one of the other fellow consumers at the stall ! And then the very next moment my head swivels to another corner of the shade prone shanty-chair where a group of people are discussing war options with Pakistan ,who,I'm sure,have encountered war-like scenarios via Picasso's Guernica or better still the Bolly movie Border.

Contracting my cognizance to my own group of circularly seated friend's, I absorb pontifications of atypical 21 year olds. And by this time I probably have conveyed to you the missing link behind the previous post about which i had emblazoned in the start of this one,yes :OCCUPATION. 

I Ultimately Found the means to Occupation. 

1. Sipping Tea. 
2. Discussing 'Obam'ese policies .
   
3. Snarl at stray cows and dogs and mock them at their unemployment.
4. Planning a trip to Manali which we don't see ourselves going to within the next year at least.
5. How to get rich soon enough to get ourselves Porches and Mercedes ?
6. Algorithmise going to Work.

"Satire is a kind of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own." - Jonathan Swift ( lol raised to the power of lol )

And then the 7th and the final point. Should we occupy ourselves at this place even tomorrow .

ParaCocks

The Day previous to today when i wrote a piece of prose or something, was four years ago for creative composition in the boards. And honest injun i never much developed any intimate doting for it. What a paradox that its the sole medium that has chosen me in the most uneasy of emotions- " UNEMPLOYMENT in the face of EMPLOYMENT ". And as i put you in the throes of confronting yet another paradox (i just searched the thesaurus for a synonym of paradox to avoid the refrain, no good !) , i cannot be more delighted to find another JOBLESS friend ,and if you are he\she and\or you have stumbled upon this blog, i see a great consoler in you.

This should ideally count as my maiden post but its not(no it is and I don't have a frantic alter ego) .So i expect you to hang around for a while.

And I'm dying to quote someone :

"The secret to misery is having the leisure to think if you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation."- George Bernard Shaw